A Journey with an End
by BethSHeartbeat
Summary: A story of an illness told through the means of diary entries, due to subject matter it's going to be sad.
1. Chapter 1

_Dear Diary,_

 _I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to start this, I've never done this sort of thing before, I suppose I've never needed to. I don't really know where to start with the story either, I know the start but the journey is pretty much anyone's guess, all I know is that the end of it is something that is definite and unescapable. I've been told not to focus on the end of this story when we're only just at the beginning but that's like being told not to think of an elephant when you're staring at one, it's just not possible._

 _I suppose I'm getting away from the story slightly, I'm not usually like this, I guess that the news has really knocked me for six. Who knew that six letters could change your life forever? She's insistent on not letting anyone know, on carrying on like normal because she doesn't want pitying, my guess is that she's in denial. I should probably explain who 'she' is, because although I know who I'm on about, you dear piece of paper are clueless. 'She' is my gorgeous wife, the most stunning and intelligent woman that I've ever had the pleasure of knowing and she's all mine, it's been nearly five years since we said 'I do' and nearly six that she's had the pleasure of knowing me. It looks like it could all be coming to an end a lot sooner than I expected, it looks as if our forever is coming to an end, the doctor was insistent on the fact that there were several treatment options to prolong her life, that she could still have years and years left in her if she was on the right treatment. The way I see it though, that's a lot of ifs._

 _You always see signs around telling you that 1 in 4 people in the UK get cancer, you never consider that it is more than likely to happen to you or one of your loved ones. Working in the ED you see people suffering every day, every day you see people being diagnosed with various serious diseases, you see life and death. It's somehow different when it's your own loved one, suddenly you can't distance yourself from the situation. She seems to be coping just fine right now, at least I think she is, she's gone up to bed claiming that she has an early shift tomorrow while I'm sat here unable to quite process the life changing news that we'd been given today. I've spent my evening on Google on my phone, something which she'd been shouting at me for if she knew that I'd been doing it, I have all these questions to which I don't have answers and can't ask her. No one around me knows, I don't know what to do with this, all I know is that I have to be strong for her. I have to continue to love her in the same way, as far as our relationship goes, nothing can change, from what I can understand she needs the normality and the stability while she goes through this and even if it kills me, I will do that for. Just realised my wording, that might not have been the best phrasing for this moment, god I don't know what to do. I can't lose her, she's the best thing to have ever happened to me._

 _I don't know how I'm supposed to sign this thing off, I probably should after always stealing Robyn's diary to read when we were kids, anyway I'm just going to write my name,_

 _Max._

 **Anyone who knows me well in reality will know how hard this would have been for me to write, however it's something that I needed to do. I'm sorry if this is going to break a few people's hearts, reviews would be really great if you have the time. Due to how hard this is to write, updates could be even more irregular than I already update, however please stick with me. Also, would you like it to just be Max's diary, or would you prefer it to alternate and have every other chapter Zoe's diary? I can do either.**

 **Beth x**


	2. Chapter 2

_Dear Diary,_

 _I'm not really sure when the last time I wrote in you was, days seem to merge into each other now. It's been two weeks since the diagnosis, actually that might have been the last time I wrote, in that time Zoe has began treatment. Twice a week we take our lunch break together and go up the stairs towards oncology, and she has a series of injections. I can't say I understand the ins and outs of this but if it's going to help her then that's all that matters._

 _Currently she's on the night shift, whilst I'm at home. I've always hated it when we've been on opposite shifts, but it's even harder now knowing that if something goes wrong, I'm not there. It's only a small comfort knowing that if anything goes wrong that she's already in the right place. Still no one but us and the doctors involved in her case, are aware of the cancer and that's how she wants it to remain, for a while at least. I wish that people did, of course I completely get why she doesn't want people to know, but she's so exhausted all the time that I wish she'd cut back her work hours._

 _Sometimes she crawls into bed late at night when she thinks I'm asleep, I can hear her sobbing gently against me and it breaks my heart. I can tell she's struggling with this, who wouldn't? She's putting on a brave face and trying to show the world that nothing's up, I know different though. The thing is, for the first time, there's nothing that I can say to make it better, I can't just make this go away. Trust me, if I could, I would have done by now._

 _Every time I look at her my heart breaks a little to know that someone who means so much to me, is suffering so much. To know that one day she won't be there anymore, that she won't be there to touch or to love. I wish she'd open up a little, to let some of it out, yes it'd hurt me and break my heart to hear how she's feeling but I'd go through anything if it eased things for Zoe a little. I see her watching me sometimes when she thinks I'm not paying attention, I can see her wondering why I'm still there and how much longer will I stay, but when I said 'in sickness and in health' I meant it, I love Zoe more than life itself. I don't know what I'd do without her and it's not something that I can think about either._

 _Max_

 **A/N This is shorter than I had wanted it to be but it is so hard to write, it makes me emotional to write. I hope you understand. Anyway, I hope this is okay and I haven't left too many of you heartbroken.**

 **Beth x**


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